tonight's guest judge: shania twain. not-so-newbie* says "she has penned some the greatest pop songs..." i love it when not-so uses technical recording industry terms like "penned." dear not-so: people write stuff like that, but nobody actually says it outloud. c'mon you dork. (now. give me a second here as i google "shania twain auto tune". )
*note: last year, the female judge who was not paula abdul was labeled newbie on this blog. she not so new no mo.random contestant: "i believe i have what it takes to be america's next top model" ftw.
by the way, do we think not-so will end up making out with the twainster?
contestent #1. caitlin someone. all she's got is divorce. mom & dad used to come to every performance together, this is the first time he's not there. deadbeat. okay, if dad divorced mom because he's gay, or because he's got down syndrome or something caitlin's got a chance. otherwise it's back to corn fields.
despite my snark, i like her.
simon cowell asks the question anyone who's been through divorce asks (or wants to ask): "who are you siding with?" caitlin sings a duffy song. well. choo-choo is nodding. "i think you've got a voice that could sing a hit song," she says. choo. please. today, martin luther king, jr. has a voice that could sing a hit song. the judges put her through in anticipation of what good tv it will be when they get to show caitlin's mother and father sitting in the audience together. crying.
contestant #2 (and maybe 3): amy lang. well, i know her friggin' name because she sang it three times. this is what my nephew thinks of when i tell him i'm in theatre. these are the people he thinks i hang out with. amy lang and the cast of glee.
amy lang is a gay man (or two) locked up in a woman's body. wow, it's a laugh riot. no, really. a laugh riot. that didn't work.
charity vance. 16 year old, from arkansas. she's been singing in the beauty parlor since she was 8. (they have beauty parlors in little rock.) okay, pretty white girl walks into the room and the big black guy lets out a kind of oogy, husky "yeah, yeah." sick randy.
charity is a bit of a riffmeister. with a tiny, but sweet voice. which is perfect, 'cause she's a sweet and tiny girl. simon cowell wants to sign her to a record deal right now. or have dinner.
next up, the really bad people, the people dressed as animals and brides, and the people who swear at the camera!
angela martin. remember her? she dropped out last year 'cause she had a court date for a warrant. maybe third time's a charm. "i've seen a lot of dreams die, but i would never give up." i am totally buying her story. singing a mary j. blige song that is a perfect, perfect choice. put this girl through again. and of course they do.
day two in chicago. "this is a town of big talent," says blandy jackson. "jennifer hudson...kanye." these are the two big talents from chicago that spring to mind for blandy.
curly gone sing maxwell. "y'all ready?" curly says. f-fwd. next girl. f-fwd. skip to brian "screw you sgt. hart, i'm the next american idol" krause singing tiny tim. "tip toe that-a-way brian."
chicago's own harold davis. "when i walk into the judges room, i'm gonna shoot off like a rocket." they tell him no, and he starts to cry. wow.
john park from northbrook, il. please god, sing. okay park-oo, nice work! the twainster and not-so are "very surprised" because, you know, most asian people sing like this.
john park is through.
paige the-tschochke. singing sam cooke. after much consternation, everyone but simon puts her through. and oh, she has asthma.
cripes, now we've got downs, divorce, warrant, spina bifida, alzheimers, cancer, and nigeria.
i still pick nigeria, but i'm leaning toward warrant.