Wednesday, January 13, 2010

fast-forward idol: welcome to hotlanta

8:02 pm.

hotlanta. i love it when cities have nicknames. like clam town. or rubber city. or poky, or clock city, or dogtrot capital, or spamtown, or the big "o," or the corn cob capital of the world.

or frisco. that's short for san francisco, did you know that? isn't that cute? sans the san, eighty-six the a-n-c and you've got frisco. using the nickname frisco is a sure way to let someone know that you've probably never been to san francisco, or spent any real time there. today, when someone asks me, "where do you live?" (and they're always asking) i say "i live in the big apple. the city that never sleeps. america's mecca. father knickerbocker. modern gomorrah. the frog and toe."

fryin' buttcrust is excited about "the depth of the talent pool in the deep south." he's remembering a quiet night he had with gay-kin a few years back at a red lobster. guest judge mary j. blige. i cannot name one mary j. blige song. oh piss off, can you?

dawan robinson. "music is my blood," dawan says. not in my blood. is my blood. dawan sings "lay-tee, we're not together anymore." right, that hit. goner.

kia johnson. 26. great smile (huge.) great hair (big.) great pants (yellow.) great shoes (fuschia.) sings "my heart does go on dan-don." newbie says, "you're nice to look at...when you're performing." hollywood.

every time a black girl riffs they show mary j. usually mary goes, "mm!" under her breath.

jermaine sellers is a church singer whose mother has spina bifida. that's spina bifida ftw. "what if god was one of us." jermaine sang more notes in 15 seconds than my ears could possibly listen to. hollywood.

i want one of the judges to say, "absolutely, yes. 80% yes."

coming up – someone gets arrested on american idol.

8:33 pm.

this 411 chick needs to go. now. (note to self: when you audition for american idol, come up with a line other than "music is my life.")

vanessa wolf, bridge jumper from vonore, tennessee. okay, i wanna laugh at her because she's a backwoods hick (it takes one to know one) but the longer this goes on the more i like her. she's so genuine. and dear. now i want her to be really good. she sings "wagon wheel." she is country. simon calls her authentic. they put her through to hollywood, and she screams! loud! and she kicks! whooo! she's crying. "my mom's gonna have a heart attack," she says through tears. i got 'em too now. wolfy is a major highlight of the last few years.

8:43 pm.

basically nothing happened here that was more exciting than the commercials.

8:56 pm.

holly somebody is a human guitar. she's dressed herself up like a guitar. a human guitar. and her face is the fretboard. that. says. it all. "i'm the next (beat)...great thing!" attention holly. when you can't think what follows the words "i'm the next," you're probably not. randy says she's hilarious even though he didn't laugh once. newbie says, "you know, ordinarily when somone comes in dressed like a guitar..." she's talking about her personal life. hollywood.

mallorie haley from south dakota has the voice, and the composure, and the breasts to go to hollywood. yes. yes. yes. and yes.

9:10 pm.

skiiboski. "heard it through the grapevine." i can't type because i can't stop watching. wait. is it skii blo ski? simon, a resounding no. the other three put him through. i got nothin'.

two cute and skinny 18 year old girls are wearing more makeup than ray jivoff in a g&s. best friends since third grade. (like ray & me.) one girl is good. one is not. (shut. it.) one makes it to hollywood. idol keeps trying to show the losing friend being supportive, but -- woah -- even when she is, it's so pained! someone told her she needs to be happy for her friend, but she just ain't right now.

9:22 pm.

brian walker, sevierville ranger. he sings "superstar." i'm giving him a riffing ticket. he sings two held notes. but the judges are right, there is something there.

here comes the guy who gets arrested. he is a scary person. he won't stop singing. he needs to stfu and listen. mary j. blige is gonna smack him down! he's a freak and he won't leave. he keeps singing the opening to "my cherie amour," badly, as though it's amazing. and he doesn't even get arrested. blech. boring.

9:30 pm.

pants on the ground.

nothing more to say.

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