Wednesday, August 5, 2009

oh. no. (f-fwd idol dealt a horrible blow)

my television life (and future blogging) just took an awful, terrible turn for the worse:
PASADENA, Calif., Aug. 4 – One day after the producers of "American Idol" and Fox network announced that Kara DioGuardi had signed on to return to the show next season, "Idol" judge Paula Abdul wrote on her "verified" Twitter account that she's stepping off the "Idol" gravy train.

"With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return to 'Idol,' " read tweets posted Tuesday night on Abdul's account. "I'll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I'll [miss] being a part of a show that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon."
as a result, the popular tuesdaysblog feature fast-forward idol (dvr-blogging american idol) may never be the same. here, in tribute, are some of the best paula abdul moments (things she said or did, her critiques of contestants, comment on her critiques, etc.) taken directly from last season's fast-forward idol:
paula"two words! standing o." that's actually one word and a letter.

paula – i give you credit for not falling off the edge of the stage.

paulamake the puerto rican dance and sing!

paula"this is a performance i'd definitely hit repeat in my heart."

paula"you aborted the things we love most about you, like your magnificent riffing."

paula – just said something kinda nice: "no matter who goes home, you're never going home because you're all changed people and home is a whole different place for you now." sounded nice when she said it. reading it sounds like they're going to be incarcerated at a cia black site in romania.

paula"that song does sit in a right place and there was a bum note that was loud." thank goodness paula is not addicted to pain killers.

paula – blah blah blah blah blah liked it.

paula"i love songs. this song allowed you to do magic and infuse."

paula – uses this opportunity to make a joke about simon cowell, and to say the word "relevant." someone, somewhere, drank.

paula – "______________."

paula"you got special sauce."

paula"you dare to dance in the pouch of greatness. the palth of greatness. the pouth." then she says "fortune rewards the brave." she's reading too much harry potter.

paula – sometimes i just can't listen to her.

paula – paula said basically nothing.

paula – does her upper lip even move? she just called him a "balladeer," which a week ago she thought was an inner ear infection.

paula"beauty develops in an era that might not be comfortable." no kidding, she said that. move that upper lip girl! move it!

paula"i'm glad to see you brought your axe." oh paula. "your intonation and delivery is masterful and effortless." paula abdul wouldn't know intonation if it was injected into her upper lip.

paula – i can't hear a thing paula says because i can't get past the christmas bow that ate burbank.

paula – the dress, the dress.

paula – someone call bill o'reilly: this is a war on christmas.

paulamy mouth drops every time there's a pill nearby.

paula – is paula abdul from new jersey? that make-up. "it's like angels singing?" is she...maybe she's drunk! oh please let her be drunk.

paula – please, somebody, please put some brandy in that coke she's drinking.

paula – she refers to simon as "someone over the pond."

paula – i don't know what paula said.


  1. I love you, Tony.

  2. NoooOOOoooOOO! Who will provide random, drug-induced, nonsensical ramblings that have little if any relationship to the performances we view?!

    Oh, Paula. I'm gonna miss you, cuz opposites attract.

  3. I know! I'm devastated. I asked who will fill my weekly crazy quota on Facebook to which someone replied, "Mary Murphy from SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!"

    No, no. Paula is my quirky, fun to poke a stick at crazy... not lunatic who I think might physically attack me for not landing a pas de duex crazy!

  4. Wow. This made me laugh really hard.


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