Tuesday, May 12, 2009

fast-forward idol: three's company

"let's rock," says seafoam. "get on your feet for the top three."

tony's prediction: tonight or next week, glamberace pulls out a surprise. (no, for god's sake, not that.) something he's been keeping under wraps – that one song, that one arrangement that he told friends, if i make it to the finals i'll give 'em this. i don't know what it is. crazy, maybe? (the gnarls barkely, not the patsy cline.) this is my prediction. like it?

• gokenstein. dance, little sister. terence trent d'arby. chosen by paula. already this is vegas without the sequins or the nipples (i.e. without sequins or nipples, what's the point?) it's too high for him. this is a terrible song choice. (why not if you let me stay?) it doesn't go anywhere, and danny needs a build. (that kind too.) judges: randy – that was dope for me, dude. nwm – oh, now she's a dance critic. paulawell (bitch) i'm a choreographer and i think he did really good. (snap!) simon – this is a singing show, but that dancing was desperate. tony – isn't family guy on somewhere right now?

sidenote: did you know terrance trent d'arby – following a series of dreams (i'm not kidding) – changed his name to sananda maitreya, but was actually born terence trent howard? dude's had three fa-reak names. i've only had one. (that you all know of.)

• kris. apologize. one republic. (chosen by nwm and the black guy.) wait... listen to kringle with those teenage arkansas girls. did you hear him say "krissss"? okay, is kris allen gay?!? why is no one asking that question? i was just about to type "i don't know this stupid song" when nwm proclaimed "everybody knows this song." imagine my chagrin. pitch. okay, i do know this song. kris has the "hey! i'm a pop singer!" dialect, and now that i'm aware of it, it bugs the living crap out of me. that was pretty okay i guess. no? judges: randy – i have no clue what randy really said, nor does it matter. nwm – that was a competent performance, but i know you can be groundbreaking, and i wanted you to sing that song like it was a different song and...ugh. she's just an idiot. paula – that song does sit in a right place and there was a bum note that was loud. thank goodness paula is not addicted to pain killers. simon – takes nwm to task! "you can't choose a song for him and then blame him for doing the song. you didn't hold up to your responsibility." she tries to fight back, then she tells kris the arrangement he should have used. um, nwm? ya' think maybe it's too late to 'pologize? randy is flailing his arms and saying "dude."

• glamberace one. u2. wow, paula abdul needs a smack. it's cabaret u2. he's flat. flat. there it is. i have to be honest: i don't like this sound. i don't like the tounge. in fact, ick. but that was so far beyond the other two it's kind of silly. judges: randy – not convinced. nwm – you're a strategist. (paula is quickly looking that up.) paula – blah blah blah blah blah liked it. simon – brilliant song choice. you're in the finals or i quit the show. adam suggests we rewind it back at home and listen to the song again, for the lyrics. mmm. no. nope.

oh look, scarrie undermilkwood with giraffes. real serious like, scarrie asks on angolan person, "have you...or your dauwghter...ever had...malaria?" and the woman slaps her.

• you goker, you brought 'er. you are so beautiful. danny's choice. the pride a' milwaukee, seafoamcrustlips says. (there, you didn't come up with that stupid nickname yourself, did you?) you harr..so beautiful. this is a lovely arrangement, when does it all go wrong? you're the air i breath? did joe cocker write that? we're kind of stuck here, aren't we? in this vamp? done. okay, well. that didn't quite pay off the way i feared it would. or hoped. judges: randy – you can really (x5) sing. nwm – that was stunning. paula – i love songs. this song allowed you to do magic and infuse. simon – i would call that a vocal master class. simon has been to laura bell bundy's vocal master class.

• krisssss. heartless. this is a really interesting song choice (by kris.) i just got excited. this is him and the guitar. pretty brave. i think that was great. he's in the finals. judges: randy – better than the original. nwm – she whines, "why didn't you do that with the song i picked for you?" that was bold, brave, fearless, she says. can someone help me clean up here? paula – uses this opportunity to make a joke about simon cowell, and to say the word relevant. someone, somewhere, drank. simon – can barely get a word out because the other judges can't stfu.

• adam. cryin' aerosmith. he is a rock star. who is flat. that slide up to "forget you" was pretty amazing. am i nuts? i think he was flat throughout.

okay, before the judges. a word about adam lambert: i think the first time you hear that voice, it's pretty frakkin' remarkable. i've said it before: stupid. as in stupid. i think the second time you hear that voice, it's still pretty frakkin' remarkable. but by the third, fourth and tenth times, for me, it becomes grating. it's still a ridiculous voice, but c'mon now, do you wanna hear it all night? do you seriously wanna go to a concert and listen to that for two-plus hours? i don't know. i don't think i would. and partly for that reason, i was not blown away by that performance. that was, in adam lambert's world, skating by if you ask me. it was certainly no ring of fire.

back. judges: randy – make a rock album, dude. nwm – see you at the finals. paula – "______________." simon – it's very easy to assume you will get enough votes. if you assume, you make an ass out of you and paula. the judges begin chanting: vote, vote, vote. the judges. not the crowd, the judges. really?

ryan asks, "what do you feel like tonight?" and adam says he thinks danny and kris did really well tonight, they're almost in my league. okay, he didn't say that. to his credit, he's never come off as anything but grateful. (you're right brett.)

winner: kris
middler: adam
gone: danny

and i wrong? what do you think? how many s's in krissss?

5 comments:

  1. Has Danny ever been in the Bottom 3? (I can't remember.) I agree that he should go home, but I'm just not sure if he's got some huge hidden fan base of cougars or something like David Cook did.

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  2. No, Danny has NOT been in the bottom three, and American Idol is a SINGING competition, and since he is the best singer...he should win. And I'm sure he has fans of all ages!!! GO DANNY GO :)

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  3. I'm only half american but an AI fanaticMay 13, 2009 at 11:43 AM

    hey.. your prediction's pretty RiGHT..
    singing isn't screeching..
    coz adam's screeching always is so irritating..
    In our language "nakakaumay"..
    .ugh..
    Actually, Kris truly had an idol outing last night out there..
    and his a artist..(for me)
    Danny only stays but he's a mediocre..
    .he only stayed that long because of his some kinda "fame" from gokers.. like what happened in Cook - Archuleta finale.. I bet KRiS would win.. Great prediction of yours!!! =)

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  4. I think Adam's voice is much more versatile than Danny's. Every song Danny sings sounds like Michael McDonald. Except "Dream On," which just sounded ... terrible. Probably not a coincidence that Adam took on Aerosmith this week to show 'em how it's done.

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  5. Krissss did a great job with the Kanye song...except he did the same thing that the Fray did to it. So 9 points for performance, 0 for originality. I say the goker stays.

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