Wednesday, May 20, 2009

f-fwd idol wrap: two gays guys

during the filming of this foggy, dramatic opening, with adam and kris standing alone on stage, the audience apparently stayed silent for a while, but then began chanting "adam... adam... adam."

randy jackson trades in the used car salesman look for the giant ten year-old boy look. if newbie-wanna-moley called me sweetie i'd kick her. especially after that turd she layed last night. paula has trouble with big words, yes.

BLINDY!! still my beating heart. blindy returns for what appears to be the white party. i liked this number much better on glee last night. (did you watch?)

david cook. not so good. david, i'm living in hell right now. this song is taking forever to get started. i've changed the station by now. i'm rustling through a desk drawer looking for my copy of the watchtower. i'm flossing. i'm doing my taxes. i'm doing my friend's taxes. hold on, this is what we waited for? you yelling on pitch for a really long time? if i wanted that i coulda just listened to idina menzel's album. that was a good three minutes i will never get back.

oh. great. it was about his dead brother. and we're gonna donate money to fight cancer. i feel like an idiot now. i still didn't like it. and i coulda spent those three minutes fighting cancer.

does anyone else think nick mitchell is the next paul lynde/alan seuss/charles nelson reilly/rip taylor? this lil rounds/queen latifah song is a hot pitchy mess, but lil's booty actually looks just kinda big next to latifah's. (maybe that was the idea.) here's the real deal: jason mraz. does jason have a lazy eye? blindy! look at blindy snappin! ahhh...memories. could next season be a "no loungy final chords" zone?

seriously. kris allen. sweet.

keith urban is truly one of the most handsome men i've ever seen. (right hewitt?) what if kris allen and keith urban smooched a bit during this song? just a little, nothing sloppy.

fergie. peas!! this is fun. WOW! there was a censored lyric for ya. smooth, fox. hey, remember the days when, during the final measures of "my way" frank sinatra would say "frank sinatra! 1969! my new album drops next month, baby!"

wow. seacrest eyes bikini girl's new front chassis and says "i was gonna ask 'what's new,' but i think i know." keep it classy, peehead.

okay. i'm sort of shell shocked here. nwm comes out to sing with bikini girl, and it turns ugly. really, really ugly. bikini girl is obviously perturbed, and nwm looks like a bitter johnny-come-lately.

ladies and gentlemen, cyndi lauper and the crotch shot heard round the world. now we know where she keeps her auto-harp.

is kris allens's dad a minister? (is kris allen's dad gay?)

danny gokey sings with lionel ritchie, who looks like he just came from impacted wisdom teeth surgery. or he's storing nuts for the winter.

okay, this adam lambert birdcage costume is it. would he have worn this during the competition? beth. he sounds amazing. he's gonna perform with kiss: f*cking fantastic. this is exactly what he should be singing, what he should be doing, what we have to look forward to from adam lambert, i hope: show, glam, pomp and circumstance. the rebirth of david bowie, elton john, iggy pop, alice cooper. this is a concert i would go to.

so, if adam is bowie/elton/alice, is kris kenny loggins/dan fogelberg/james taylor?

moley becomes scoopy, and no farewell appearance for the mole. show choir santana. where's blindy!? there's still time for him to walk off the stage! steve martin on american idol: how did this happen? listen to chubs sing steve martin's song: there's so much phony technique he can't sing a simple melody. slipping and sliding in and around every note. dude, pick a note and sing it.

danny gokey has not sounded good tonight. please bring out rod stewert. and soon. 16 ounces anyone? oh wow. rod is wasted. or is he just old? no, wasted. or has he had a stroke? no, wasted. good for you rod, the seventies are not over, no matter what elton tells you. the twelve year old running sound doesn't knows there's a guitar solo here.

janice dickenson is a scary, scary slop of skin and bones and lips. i'm gonna have bad dreams.

we couldn't possibly make it through the end of the season without this annoying, crying, laughing joke named tatiana. do they realize all the encouragement they're giving to the tatianas of the world?

wow. it's a 70's-off. queen. seriously, this is the duet song they choose when kris allen is one of the finalists? what are they trying to tell us? (and him?) who in their right mind decided to have those back up singers wave their arms like that?

kris allen is a midget. he's smaller than seacrust.

kris wins.

wow. that's pretty much the upset of the season. kris didn't even expect it. "adam deserves this." but kris needed to win more than adam did. think he's overwhelmed? this makes me happy. i like a good underdog story, don't you?

adam is free, kris gets a recording contract.
the best of all possible worlds.


  1. Well spoken. I mean written!!!!


  2. I'm seriously offended by this WARNING paragraph just above the "post a comment" instructions. Really. Would I abuse you? Be obscene? F-ing MOI?

    Bore you to death with facebook quizzes, yes ...... but you've backed me into a quiz corner now. I MUST do that.

    To the matter at hand. Your definition of the outcome is indeed fair minded: Kris needs the contract, Adam doesn't.

    However, in a way this situation is analogous to what's his name the hulk football player (ok, they're all hulks - who can tell them apart) who won't have a White House dinner with Obama and the rest of his team. Why? Because Obama only invited him because his team won. Duh.

    Idol is a contest. The best guy should have won. The best guy by decades is Adam. Kris got the sympathy vote. Kinda like what might happen if I entered a beauty contest.

    Just not right.

  3. ahhh, but mo, the best guy doesn't win. the guy with the most votes wins.

    (and mojo, i would expect nothing less than obscenities and abuse from you!)

  4. Okay I have read maybe 30 commentaries now, and you're the first person to tell the Rod Stewart truth. I laughed until I cried and finally admitted I fell so freaking in love with Adam that I had begun to take this silly show seriously. Thanks for restoring my sanity.


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