Saturday, April 11, 2009

is adam lambert gay?

this is the question important enough to warrant a 1600 word new york times treatise (in the fashion and style section, no less) on the history of the gays in entertainment (boiled down nicely to rock hudson, liberace, and elton john. no, no mention of tom cruise or richard gere.)

actually, the question posed seems to be not so much is he gay but if he is gay, can he win american idol? (no, clay aiken was a runner-up and would turn fireplug red, fall on the floor kicking and screaming, and have a conniption if you even suggested g-ness back then. and i just said "back then" about something referencing clay aiken.)

if you've read any tuesdays american idol play-by-plays ("adam, you're pretty gay, babe") you know what i know think. of course the point is, who cares? (i mean, besides the millions of teenage girls who are having that adam as a brooding vampire dream at night. you know the one, where he materializes as a thick black mist next to your bed and then morphs into "ring of fire" adam who promises to make you immortal with one soft but sensual nip and you want to refuse but then you see vampire kris standing right behind him, smiling at you, mouthing the words "do it." right? you know that dream?)

actually, the times scribe guy trebay makes the who cares point too (while at the same time comparing the "scandal" of being gay to identity theft, hiding a criminal record, or having had an affair with paula abdul, when we all know it's nothing like two of those things.) or no, trebay's point is not who cares, but why no one cares. or why no one should care.

well apparently someone does care: bill o'reilly.

since i cannot stomach more than 30 seconds of this piece of tripe's television program without fantasizing about seeing him in a new york restaurant and walking over and hocking a loogie in his chicken alfredo (which of course would lead to an altercation and a fist fight that i would probably lose but i'd be sure to get a few good whacks in, at least bloody his nose, before the police hauled me away so it would all be worth it because tripe would have to mention his bandaged nose on his program that night) i was unaware of piece of tripe's musings about lambert's sexuality.

here, p.o.t. is talking about an online picture of someone who looks like they could be adam lambert, or someone going to a come dressed as your favorite vampire from american idol party, swallowing another guys face:

“These pictures that hint that he is gay, will they have an effect on this program, which is a cultural phenomenon in America?”

hint that he is gay, bill? hint? that's like saying your sagging ass-face hints that you have a sagging ass-face. why, it's as plain as the nose on your sagging ass-face.

but now, i suppose, since o'reilly has taken up this mantle, the gays must come together to see that gaybert lambert actually does win american idol. i will happily lead that charge, even though danny gokey is my homeboy.

so danny? allison? i'm sorry. unless you can provide graphic internet evidence of an ongoing affair with a younger sister, or a long-term intimate relationship with a plump french bulldog, adam wins.

1 comment:

  1. My favorite part of the O'Reilly segment was the way the O'Reilly Factor folks covered up the mouths of Adam and his makeout buddy in the b-roll footage. Hilarious.


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