i'm blogging from ventura, california tonight. the ocean is 20 steps away, it's 77 degrees, there's a light breeze, and i'm sitting inside with a laptop, watching television. i do it all for you. (this also means no dvr, so no fast-forward.)
two people go home this week so let me start by saying please god, let anoop be one of them. (god? how 'bout anoop and lil?) ryan peecrust looks like a skanky lizard, jutting his chin out, licking the air, surveying the situation. ahh...the disco medley. wait? what?! we've jumped right into the show!
• lil. i'm every woman. wow...i was unprepared for this. but lil is not every woman. judges: randy – "you didn't show us what kind of artist you are." (i disagree, i just think she's the boring kind.) nwm – we been waitin' for that and it sure weren't worth it! paula – lil is on vocal rest, okay? "i don't think you hit quite the boiling point." simon – "lil, you look so sad." i'd be sad too. "copycat, this is your final shot, sorry." simon is right.
• kris. she works hard for the money. this is gonna be cool. good for him, it's totally working. donna summer meets the doobie brothers meets santana. i liked that. a lot. judges: nwm – newbie can't stop shouting his name (just like she was last night. in her hotel room. alone. with a pizza and a pint of chunky monkey.) paula – "you shop in the women's department." simon – do you buy ladies underwear like me? randy – ready for the big time, dawg. tony – let me say this again: kris is a movie star. if he can read a line at all, he's gonna do a lot more than just sing pop songs. and yes, i have a little crush.
• gokey. september. he's settled in now. this is too "easy" for him, and somehow lacks the terrific excitement he had early on. judges: randy – you turned that into something that really worked for you. nwm – your pitch is right on. paula – as a woman i think your voice is sexy. (as a man, i think paula needs more booze.) simon – "as a performance, i didn't get any star power." as a blogger, i agree with simon.
• allison. hot stuff. what in the world is she wearing? it's tacky latin leather quinceanera night! the song is almost over and i still haven't gotten past that costume. like danny, it's a little too easy. she's already moved on from this show. judges: randy – overindulgent arrangement, but "you can really sing." nwm – from a singing perspective, that was a 9-10. (from what other perspective should we be judging the contestants of a singing contest?) paula – i'm watching simon listen to paula and try to make sense of anything she's saying and i think this could be it's own reality show. simon – you were the underdog and that was brilliant.
• adam. if i can't have you. is he flat? ohh...here's the trick: flippity flip, screechy mcscreecherson. wow, this was actually kind of nice until the screeching. adam, babe, why? everything but the middle (screechella) was great. judges: randy – you're ready right now dude. nwm – the guy from snl meets clark kent. yeah, the guy from snl. we all know who that is. that good old guy from snl! i love him. paula – "i've never questioned my visceral response." she's on the verge of tears. (she just realized she's out of zanax.) simon – original, memorable, immaculate. and i'm not just talking about your eye liner. adam thanks michael orland who helped him come up with the arrangement. classy.
• moley. stayin' alive. okay, that first note says: i'm desperate to stay. "i'm going nowhere." except for off this show matt, i think i'd agree. moley gives the most cliched performance of the night. that was painful to me. judges: randy – randy said "you can really sing" about ten times, but didn't say "dawg" once. nwm – you brought disco back. (this is a good thing?) paula – paula discusses her bowling skills. simon – (c'mon simon, tell the truth. good, he does.) "get out of idol-land. that was desperate, no originality."
• anoop. dim all the lights. how many donna summer songs did we need to hear tonight? there was so much more to choose from. nooper got a dirty stache. dirty nooper. please don't let the tempo kick in. ohh...there it goes. well, that was sort of interesting, but so is a coffee enema. speaking of coffee enemas, that last note...woah. rough. judges: randy – "you can sing" again. nwm – you're hitting your stride. paula – "real men know how to wear pink. you got beautiful teeth, smile more." paula should teach. simon – that was mediocre at best. a horrible version of that song. simon is right. is anoop gay?
do we think that adam is not going to win, people will say it's because he's gay, and it will be a big scandal? something about tonight's show made me think that.
going home: lil, matt, anoop
middlers: danny, allison,
winners: kris, adam