Tuesday, March 17, 2009

fast-forward idol: zzzz...

country night. randy travis is a pinocchio-old man. look at him.

michael sarver. country music, he should charm us and kick ass, right? why so much of the harp player? michael's so sweet. he's having a good time. didn't blow me away. judges: newbie – "it's impressive that you could remember all those words." newbie, it's impressive you could remember any words. okay, michael's coming back after that "country music is just about havin' fun" comment. that is southern, y'all. he just told her to bugger off, did it with a huge grin and charmed her pants off at the same time. sou-thern.


allison. i wanna be in that room while she's singing. could she give danny and adam a run for their money? look at her. if i had a tenth of this at sixteen... judges: newbie – "you could sing the alphabet." newbie, shut. up. paula – "you're an amazing artist." paula, you're an alcoholic. simon – "guuud." randy – "country is dope."

• kris allen. eeee...randy travis just looked up through his eyebrows at chris and said "good job" like he wanted to eat him. or something. kris sang, "i could make you 'appy." what is that? i think it's really good. he's really honest. i say he's through. kinda rough last note, in his head. he's cute, but a little shakey. but that was pretty good. judges: paula – honest, pure, vulnerable. simon – terrific. randy – "tender moments from my dog kris." somebody slap him. newbie – it wasn't country, it was beautiful. on behalf of my other half's family, newbie, f.u. even standing there with seacrest, holding up his three fingers, he's so...dear. how have i missed this?

• lil rounds. i've only seen country movies. she just said, "it'd be easier for me to get my leeyicks in." independance day. she is...not right. what was that last lick? none of that in the entire tune and then...? sorr' lil. na' so much. judges: randy – it didn't feel comfortable for me on you. newbie – blah. paula – i'm wasted. simon – "look, little." i thought that just wasn't you. simon's right.


• adam lambert.
randy travis is a scared of him. ring of fire. this is soooooo gay. indulgent. i would say that this is really, really brave if he hadn't already done tons of stuff like this before. but this is who he is, it's nothing new. i'm not a fan tonight. judges: newbie – "all a little strange. it was strange. it left me confused and sort of happy." like sex. paula – "cashmere led zepplin." simon – "there are a lot of people in nashvile throwing their television sets out the window." aagh! simon says "indulgent!" i am simon. randy – "it's current! it's young! it's fresh! it's hot! i'm an idiot!"

• blindy.
randy pinnochio-old-man is fussy mcfussbudget! wild something-or-other. okay, he's blind, and he's not that good a singer. seriously. what if we found out that he's not really blind? would they fire him? what if he said "okay, i'm not really blind but i just lost my job at the coal mine and i got a wife and we're in forclosure...?" we'd forgive him. if he could link it all to AIG somehow... judges: paula – zzzz. you should move away from the piano. she wants to see him fall off the stage. simon sticks up for the blind guy. randy – where are the hot vocals, blindy? newbie – you bring class and poise to that stage. okay, what? i guess, after lambert, class and poise were lacking...


• alexis. dolly. jolene. great song. okay, really? randy travis didn't have anything to tell this girl? how about "simpler"? meh. why is tonight so boring? judges: randy – pitch problems. too much bending. newbie – listen newbie, jolene is edgy too you idiot. paula – i'm sally sunshine! look, here's my cleavage! simon – oh. simon is wrong. didn't sound like dolly at all. wow. alright then, she's gonna "dirty it up" next week. so, you think she'll be back?


• danny gokey.
messing up. "there's a soulfulness that most of us wish we had," says randy travis. okay, who dressed him? that looks...arctic. i just want him to do well. now, that riffing? that right there? did you notice how clean it was? and WHEN he did it? and how effortless it sounded? and where it CAME from? from somewhere real, and honest? i think danny gokey is gonna win. started out slow. but man, he jams when he gets there. judges: newbie – oy. i agree with her a little. paula – she took 102 words to get to "brilliant." simon – oh wow. simon is talking about danny's clothes. i'm really getting scared. did randy even talk? i wanna hear danny gokey sing barenaked ladies.


• annop.
is gonna surpirse us. always on my mind. rough start. stop the gymnastics. he is crosseyed, right? well, i fear that was good enough to get him through. judges: paula – anoop is back! you touch my heart. and that's not all. simon – from zero to hero. randy – see how smart we are? we brought you back, dude. newbie – sometimes i wanna throw things.


• megan.
randy gotta woody. after midnight. oh. this sounds like a country song. this is fun. i like her tonight. oh...she didn't need that key change. first half was adorable. second half, not so much. judges: she's got the flu. she's coughing. randy – she's sick. good job. newbie – your sick. good job. paula, simon – same.

i want a coke.

• matt. justin timberlake. "you wanna suck the world out"? is that what he just sang? he should have that mole removed. if it were over to the left, it'd be charming. but it's like a third eye. or cleveland. sittin' right there. "hi, i'm cleveland! i sing too! matt and i sing duets!" i love singer/songwriters and piano players. i just was not so taken by that. judges: newbie "there ain't nothin' small about you." really, she just said that. she can't wait to get in his pants. paula – ohmygod. authen... auth.. authenticik... authent... authenticity. i love you paula. thank you for that. simon – blasphemy! better than danny? never. randy – whatever. ryan turns into the gay gomer pyle. "yuk, yuk, this is a competition! it is on! it is on!" just...shush.

here's who i liked: allison, kris, danny, megan, matt

i say blindy goes home.


  1. Bahahaha - hilarious recap as usual, though I'm surprised you didn't comment on their unabashed pimping out of Carrie Underwood. I mean, she's already going to be on tonight's show, and does she really need pimping out? I like Carrie fine, but of all the wonderful songs in country music, TWO Carrie Underwood songs this week? Ridiculous. I didn't even know the one Faux-Timberlake sang, and I'm as die-hard of a country fan as there is.

    Agree that Scott's days are numbered. His singing is safe and kinda boring, and his novelty has worn off. Faux-Timberlake is more interesting to watch tickle the ivories.

    I think Alexis and Sarver deserve to get the boot this week. Sarver sucked. Alexis was totally indulgent again. It's like ever since they praised her for letting her inner sex kitten out, she can't control it. Did not think she did Dolly proud.

    I actually loved Lil this week, and I don't even love that song. I don't have the ear for whether all of the notes were on pitch, but I liked her version better than Martina's. (Not a huge Martina fan ... except for "When God fearin' women get the blues.")

    Megan is a one-trick pony. She's cute and sassy, but it doesn't seem like her voice is that great, and her dancing (if you can call it that) is annoying. I would get bored watching her sing 3 songs in a row. But I would like to get a closer look at that insane tatoo.

    Allison is my girl. She killed again tonight. And I wanted to tell Newbie that people already sing the alphabet. It's usually how most people learn it, no?

  2. said it last week about Gokey after watching his singing (last week) - he's gonna win. don't watch the show but got ye old hat tip from Tony's "Fast-Forward Idol". Danny's gonna win.

    RE: Adam's version of "Ring of Fire". scary. but in the vein of his whole schtick - no so scary. sounded good, but...i think wanted Johnny Cash to rise from the dead and come and pummel Adam.

  3. Hilarious, laugh out loud hilarious. And mostly true!


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