seacrest hit the tanning bed this week, i'm gonna say at least three times. why does the stage get it's own moment? paula abdul says, "don't let the stage consume you," while wearing a dress that looks like some bird consumed her. the music of michael jackson!? i'm gonna be thinking about this the whole time.
- lil. is it lil, 'lil, lil',l'il or li'l? way you make me feel. girl got a figure, okay? don't like what she's wearing. she is comfy up there. this is surprisingly not bad. grind it girrl. head voice! i like lil. judges: randy's gonna say "this is the way to start the night." (YES! i typed it, he said it. randy you're nothing if you're not predictible.) is paula abdul from new jersey? that make-up. "it's like angels singing?" is she...maybe she's drunk! oh please let her be drunk. again: simon's right.
- scott. first off, i'm already going to hell, so why not make fun of blind people while i can. bio: look, scott was an adorable blind kid! look, it's the blind osmonds! he's playing piano."we are the world 2"? he sounds better sitting down. oh blindy, i think you're good, but like, good for the family thanksgiving "guys! blindy's gonna play and sing for us!" good, not like the next stevie wonder good. sorry, i compared you to a blind guy. judges: newbie – "did you just learn that this week?!" right? how did he do that!? he's blind!! paula – magical seeing your instrument at your fingertips. mm-hmmm. simon: i hated the song even though the songwriter is in the house. booo. randy: i wanna see more sparks (randy, so does blindy.) ryan seacrest is a little person. like, dwarf little person. either that or blindy scott is andre the bling giant. wait, did blindy just kiss ryan?
- danny. my milwaukee boy. watching the bio stuff: this is a family of christians. i don't mean anything by that except there's a vibe, you can just tell. he's sweet. they didn't talk about the wife. pyt. he's good. great song choice. and he is having a good time. this is joyous. really this is a great song choice. ROCK IT OUT MILWAUKEE BOY! wow. i'm laughing, and a little teary, in a good way (give me a break, i'm sleep deprived.) this is when i like american idol, when someone just gives it. dude just went for it, and it worked. judges: paula – loves him. simon – vocals were brilliant. the dancing was hideous, but it doesn't matter. randy – "i felt like the dancing wasn't choreographed." he's right. danny is the real deal.
- michael. why do these people have so many ticks? like, facial things? he sounds good, though. sweet. i don't have much more to say about that. judges: simon – "passion, heart, 110%." randy – "tonight so far you wonna da best dude." i mean, there've only been three other singers, but yeah. newbie – "you bring your game." yeesh. paula – please, somebody, please put some brandy in that coke she's drinking. michael is real, right? you can tell. he probably hates the gays, y'think? (but he works on an oil rig, which makes him hotter by like 40%.)
- jasmine. i heard this song in the grocery store earlier this week and i started crying. (we'll talk about that some other time.) how weird that the contestants walk downstage and stand on a huge tv screen image of themselves. oh, jasmine. not terrible, but...well. judges: randy – "pretty good. i was actually impressed. it wasn't that bad." these are not encouraging words. newbie – "a half key down." these judges should go to "music school." paula – "you have tremendous composure and poise." simon – "you made a good attempt." she is so pretty. (are those eyes a little too far apart?)
- chris. why isn't this an acoustic version of this song? he's playing the guitar, get rid of the band. bring a stand-up bass and some conga players out there, make it new. instead, he just looks out of place playing acoustic guitar on a song like this. he's yelling. chris! i can hear you! i say chris's gone. judges: newbie – he helped the other contestants out. that's nice. (really.) paula – she refers to simon as "someone over the pond." simon: is right. randy: "very well job done baby." oh randy, you wordsmith.
- allison. she sings in the mexican wal-mart. she's what, 16? do you hear that voice? how many packs a day, do you think? i'm kidding, allison, i kid. not a gigantic range, but she's ballsy. for a 16 year old? she is ballsy, man. she could kick your ass. judges: paula – i don't know what paula said. simon – "the good thing is we know who you are." randy – "i believe you can sing anything." next week, the hits of neil sedaka! newbie – i stopped listening. allison stays, i say.
- anoopy. ooh, this is frat party karaoke. bye noopers. judges: paula – karaoke. simon: horrible. no aggression, lightweight, karaoke, stupid. (ouch...anoop's gonna cry.) randy – karaoke. newbie – she encourages riffing. fire her. poor anoop is already begging to come back. this is why american idol makes me sad. not mad, sad.
- jorge. kinda oogy. no connection to what he's singing. wow, that ending, two words: chee. zee. judges: randy – "i got mad love for you," but bad song choice. newbie – pick a different song + you weren't connected. paula – "i have mad love for you." original paula. jorge: "i wasn't gonna sing bad by michael jackson." simon: "you just did."
- megan. "rockin robin'." i sang this song in a band for 8 years and it sounded just like this. except the singer sucked. megan sounds contemporary, but the arrangement is right out of the donny and marie show. she just cawwed like a crow. judges: newbie – "that's so megan." paula – pain killers? simon – stupid song choice, clumsy, awkward. "gordon ramsy what do you think?" really?
- adam lambert. adam, you're pretty gay, babe. but you have a stupid, stupid voice. i don't know adam, but i have friends who do, and they adore him. really. i don't think this was the right song choice. those last three notes: black or white - white should have gone up. it didn't. they love him, though. judges: paula – she gushes and talks about him marrying fashion and music. ( unless something changes in california, adam not marrying anyone anytime soon.) simon: "that was in a totally different league from everything else we've seen tonight." (i would agree, except for danny gokey.) randy – if you got it you got it and i got that you got it cause now i got it. got it? newbie – i hope michael jackson could tear himself away from "yo-gabba-gabba!" for a minute to watch this.
is it really fair that adam lambert is competing against megan, this girl who just told us she's only sung in choir in high school?
ohmygod this show goes on forever, doesn't it?
- matt g. the best thing about these bio segments is the families bad hairstyles and tacky clothes. he's playing the piano. someone's (newbie) gonna compare him to justin timberlake again (who, by the way, is the real, real deal. no kidding.) enough singing in your head matt, a little goes a long way. judges: randy – there it is, justin timberlake. newbie is going to jump off a building soon if she doesn't get ten minutes alone with matt g. simon – meat and potatoes.
- alexis. she's got a baby too? oy. "dirty diana". anoop should have sung this. (kidding.) lexy, i don't think you sound so great. i like the idea of this performance better than...i say no. judges: newbie – she want her some alexis too! go lesbi-newbie! paula: watch your oversinging. i got nothin'. simon: is right ("it was not as good as you thought it was.") i think alexis might be gone.