Wednesday, February 18, 2009

thou shalt not worship false ______.

thoughts on tonight's disaster show:

1. who comes up with the confusing idea "these 12 contestants and these 12 and these 12 and...from these 12 we pick three and then three more over here, and here, and that equals nine and then"...i mean...WHAT? this isn't college basketball.

2. watching this show is like every pre-screen audition happening in new york city every day of the week in that randy, paula and those other people are the casting directors who think they should be giving acting notes, but really end up saying ridiculous things like...well, pretty much anything they say.

3. so, this is new: the idol-wannabe-person sings their song, they get critiqued, and then ryan girlcrest starts an interview with the idol-person's parents or their girlfriend or their best friend's college roommate. shortly after the interview starts, ryan has to stop because the idol-person has arrived after running up the big hello dolly staircase and they want to hug their parents or girlfriend or whatever. aawwwwkward. stupid and awkward. i'm a dorky white guy who grew up in wisconsin and i could have told you in a matter of seconds that it wasn't gonna work.

4. here's what else doesn't work: ryan seacrest crossing his legs. dear ryan, if you have any hopes of pulling the wool over the eyes of the last three people in america who don't know your a queerbag (okay, a power-bi) you better uncross those legs, girrrl.

5. this stevie wright chick is gone with a capital buh-bye. this is karaoke (the kind i actually like, where the singer is bad.) and ohhh shit. she's gonna cry.

6. they're giving the anoop guy a pass. i'm not going there. why doesn't anyone call him "anoopy"?

7. no matter how charming these people are when they perform or get critiqued, and please – let's not beat around the bush, they're charming – what is most charming is watching them mug to the camera while ryan girlcrest is giving out their idol-wannabe phone number. making goo-goo eyes, tilting your head like a puppy and mouthing "vote one! one-one-one!" is really gonna convince me.

8. ry-ry g-crest keeps saying "if you like what you've heard so far, you can" go to itunes and throw money away or...ugh. so, my question of course is...what do i do if i haven't liked what i've heard so far?

9. the good news: danny gokey is coming up.

10. this dame from minneapolis is not very authentic. (wtf. authentic.)

11. barack obama is the president. na-na.

12. how many more times do we need to hear some dope sitting behind a table say "nooooobody goes near those songs, nobody touches _________." (fill in the blank with whatever original artist's song was just butchered.)

13. this poor mom. casey's mom? she's going way overboard saying "we love you" and "vote for casey!" and it's kind of embarrassing. really, why parents?

14. i would turn straight for one night for heidi klum.

15. michael sarver was a roughneck. no roughnecking by the pool.

16. simon is still usually right. he speaks truth to idols, calls out cheesy keyboards and cruise ship arrangements. paula isn't drunk anymore, which is unfortunate for america. randy still pulls crap out his ass on a regular basis. there are times i don't think even he knows what he means. the new girl: "kill it," and "you have to kill it," and "you killed it." ugh. i'm tired.

17. girlcrest just said the roughneck was wearing a pretty shirt.

18. attention ann marie bluedress: nobody goes near "natural woman," okay? (and good thing, neither did you. oy.)

19. i'm all critical of these people getting up there and singing and being on american idol...if it was me? i'd end up a blubbering mess in the corner. so. take it all with a grain of salt. that said...

20. kill it.

21. when one of the judges says any of these words – "for me..." "that song choice..." or "hotel singer" – things aren't going well.

22. i was kidding about heidi klum.

23. i have to fast forward now. nobody goes near michael jackson's "rock with you", okay?

24. ohmygod i didn't fast forward and now i think i'm gonna hurl.

25. what? tatiana? what? she was laughable, but none of those judges were laughing. some producer is telling them to keep her. she just rubbed ryan's shoulder, he pursed his lips and said he was distracted by it. (he was hoping it was tatiana's friend rubbing his shoulder.)

26. have they saved the best for last?

27. do we need to hear every week that danny gokey's wife just died? really? and now he's singing a song called "hero"? how much would we like it if we didn't know the wife story?

28. advice to every singer everywere (not just on idol) – less riffing please. or better yet: no riffing.

29. answer to number 26 – yes, by far. but simon was still right.

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